Wednesday, April 29, 2009

The Nonsensical Home Journal, Vol.1

Wanted: Crusader (Cape Optional)

(Cue: Hero, by Chad Kroeger)

How is it that in all of our time on earth, we have never had a record of a superhero in actual life? Where is the hero of our time?
What if Mumbai were to have its personal Batman? He is a realistic hero, a man with no super powers or extra body parts. (Which incidentally is why guys seem to have a preference for him. After all, an alien reporter who can fly is hardly plausible. Nothing personal, Superman.)

All that the job demands is an unreasonable and often inhuman amount of strength, skill, intelligence and perception, and above all, a sense of justice so acutely defined that one's life becomes a mere extension of that driving force. It can't be that hard, can it?

Society is bound by its own apathy and the conditioned indifference to the environment as long as the environment doesn't become uncomfortable. We need a hero to save us from ourselves! (Cue: Holding out for a Hero title track, courtesy Bonnie Tyler)

Ponder, if you will, on the greatest heroes, throughout the ages - Hercules! Zorro! Er - Spiderman!

Fantasies involving these god-like creatures are common among women, in which invariably, the female starring role is played by themselves. (I don't really get the whole underpants-over-body-suits wardrobe, but even if the Phantom wore a circus tent on his head, he would still do it for me. Hubba, hubba!)

But what about those of our sorority who believe in being prepared, that fantasies are not enough? Who do not wish to be caught at a loss if in case, such a divine specimen should actually come in close contact with their lives? Do not despair! Read on.

--- (Cue: When a Hero Comes Along. Thank you, Mariah Carey)

A Guide to Becoming a Superhero Girlfriend


1. Be incorruptible
2. Hold job in an office for public good, such as, righteous journalist, public defence lawyer, UN officer etc.
3. Preferably have known superhero in question from childhood or high school.
4. Be extremely beautiful and talented (necessary to hold interest of said superhero, areas of talent negotiable)
5. In most cases, must have spurned hero at least once in light of personal principles

Note: #5 may be overlooked if there is a love triangle between you, hero and anti-hero. And getting abducted by villains always helps, especially if you spit in the bad guy's face, or equivalent.

So if you know of any possible candidates, keep a close eye on them and you too, can find yourself on the way to becoming a superhero girlfriend!

Sadly, our age has been notoriously deficient in producing such a defender of justice. The pedestal goes unoccupied decade after decade, but hope does not die! The masses are crying for a saviour, and never has the impassioned plea been louder. Takers, anyone?
The contrasting underpants are waiting.

(Cue: Go the Distance, Michael Bolton. Fade out.)